Important Issues to Discuss Together Before Your Big Day

We all want to live ‘happily ever after’ don’t we? To do that in the best way possible we need to understand our partner’s views and desires on the most important decisions we will make together as married couples.

The following questions are very important ones that you both should know each other’s answers to beforehand, so that you know where you both stand on them.

1. Do you want to have children?

Making a decision to have a baby when one parent doesn’t want to have children is not fair to the child or to your marriage. So have a plan about when you think you will both feel ready and agree on it. Set a time to revisit the discussion if life throws you changes that will delay your plans.

2. Are you able to talk about money?

It isn’t the mechanics of how the two of you will handle your finances that can be an issue. Many couples in successful marriages have separate bank accounts and many couples in successful marriages have a joint account.

The issue is whether or not the two of you can calmly and practically talk about money.

If how your money is spent, saved, or not spent is an issue now, it will be an even bigger issue after your wedding.

Talk about what both of you feel is a fair way to run the financial wheel in your home, and spread the responsibility equally so that you are both aware of what is going on with regards to your finances.

3. Can you talk about sex?

There is no way of predicting the future when it comes to sexual libido.

What you will need to discuss is what both of you expect from each other in this situation. Always keep the communication open between you and be open to discussing each others wants and needs. You may not agree on the ‘wants’ all of the time – but it is fabulous to feel that you can discuss your feelings about sex at all times with your partner openly and frankly.

4. How much time will you spend with your in-laws?

Your respective in laws to be may be wonderful people who love you both, but your in-laws should not be allowed to interfere in your marriage relationship.

If either one of you will not set boundaries with your own parents when it comes to their visits, their finance advice, their “kindly” advice on how you should raise your children, etc., then discuss your concerns and agree on the boundaries, if any, you will set together. Don’t forget to discuss how to handle Christmases and birthdays and how to split those days.

5. Who will do the household chores?

An undeniable bone of contention is the job list, or as I like to call my husband’s list- the “Honey-Do Jar”. Discuss with each other the chores in the running of a home and agree who will do what and when. I had a friend who hated doing floors and toilets and her hubby hated mowing the lawn. Being an outdoor kind of girl she happily traded those jobs with him, and he happily agreed. So compromise is a good thing. Don’t feel that outdoor stuff is his and indoor is yours… Ask! The idea of discussing it now saves on the time you will spend feeling resentful when there is no help happening. Agree on realistic lists and targets and then reward each other when you achieve them each week. It doesn’t have to cost $$ just a nice meal or massage of each other goes a long way to making sure that the list keeps getting ticked off each week! (Or the “Honey-Do Jar” gets emptier!)

If you think you will argue about the mundane chores of life and you can afford it, your other option is to hire someone to do the chores that neither of you wants to do.

6. How do you want to spend your days off?

Balancing work, fun and family time as well as personal time is not easy.

Without talking about the time aspect of your life together, you may find yourself grumbling because your partner isn’t spending enough time with you. Discuss what you expect of each other in this regard. Like, what is a fair time to spend with old friends, what is a fair time to sit on the computer, and what is a fair time to spend on hobbies.

Living a balanced life together will create the time you both need, individually and together, for vacations, quiet time, and fun time.

7. How often do you intend to drink or take drugs?

If you or your partner drink or take drugs, then it is a fair question to ask each other about whether it is a problem issue between you. It may be something you did together experimentally, but will you want that as an ongoing occurrence in your relationship? Most women after deciding to become pregnant will throw that lifestyle to the curb. If the partner doesn’t do that as well, then this could be a serious issue. Even the issue of cigarette smoking can eventually ruin a relationship if one quits and the other doesn’t. Discuss this openly and agree to stick to guidelines set by each other. Seek help if you feel addiction could ruin your relationship.

8. Do you or your partner have anger issues?

If you have ever felt threatened in your relationship – please read this.

If your partner has anger management issues, or tries to control who you see and what you do, or is causing you to walk on egg shells, cancel your wedding.

These are signs of a potentially abusive personality. Don’t think that you, personally, can “save” him or her. You can’t.

This is a problem that needs professional counselling.

9. Do you think it is important to be faithful to one another?

Open marriage and ‘swinging’ is okay for some married couples, but it is rare.

Most couples want and prefer a monogamous relationship. If your partner and you have differing opinions on what cheating is or isn’t, you will need to discuss what your expectations are. If you are not on the same page with this, it will fester and erode the relationship. Most of us have an innocent flirt from time to time, but you both need to know where each other’s lines are drawn and then respect them.

10. What do you think you’ll be doing in thirty or forty years?

Talk about how you see yourselves together as you grow older. What goals do you want to achieve?

If your partner can’t answer this or says ‘we will see if we are even together that long’, then the two of you will need to talk about long-lasting marriage expectations.

Find out what you both feel you would like to be doing as an older couple and decide if you can actually see yourself caring for each other if one of you became ill before the other. They are realistic questions to consider and your feelings will determine how you both proceed.

Everyone deserves to be with someone who loves them unconditionally for life.

This article was written by

Lee Marie Hall

Dream Day Ceremonies

and is therefore subject to

the protection of the Copyright Act 1968.

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